What Do We Do When Our Family Members Disagree With How To Care For Mom?
Your dad’s health is declining. Your mom has been his caregiver for years and let’s face it, she’s not getting any younger! You’re worried about her health so when she finally agrees to let you help her find a senior living community for dad, you’re relieved. You get on the phone all excited to tell your brother about the plan but he’s not as excited and all hell breaks loose. This post is about what happens when families disagree.
If you’re a regular reader you know that I own a company called Clear Path Senior Living Solutions and we help families find the right assisted living, memory care and retirement living. Before I started Clear Path in 2015, I worked in Senior Living Communities and I can tell you that I’ve seen all hell break loose many times.
I’ve seen sons unable to cope with dad leaving the beautiful family home. At first agreeing to a move because mom was just too worn out to continue providing care, then 6 months later moving dad back and mom became a caregiver again.
I’ve seen sisters disagreeing on how much care mom needs, with one seeing her memory loss as old age and another seeing it as Alzheimer’s Disease requiring a secure memory care community.
I’ve seen a family of 7 siblings literally argue their way through a tour of an assisted living. They fought over just how bad their parents really need the help compared to what it was going to cost.
I’ve also seen late in life marriages where the children of each spouse have never even met. Now both sides are in their corner, protecting the interests of their parent despite what the parent’s wishes may have been.
Care
Cost
Denial
Guilt
Competing interests
Family dynamics …. rarely go away.
And how about…
-Location – Is dad going to live near you or your sister?
-Taking away the car – Who’s going to be the one to have THAT conversation?
-Family Members who may be living with the parents – Are you really going to kick your nephew out?
-Business transitions – You thought dad made all the arrangements to transition his insurance company but his Alzheimer’s got worse before everything could be finalized.
-Guardianship and Power of Attorney – How much responsibility do these entail and who’s going to be the chosen one?
-End of life arrangements – I know from personal experience just how difficult this is when plans haven’t been made in advance.
Every decision is subject to conflict. Add to that differing communication and conflict management styles and you can see how easy it is for families to be torn apart.
It happened to my family and I. I was much younger and my dad was dying. He was in hospice and on pain medications that prevented him from opening his eyes or speaking. A family member by marriage, who I now suspect was most likely in denial, kept loudly speaking to our dad telling him to wake up! After that happened, we restricted visitors to immediate family only and that family member didn’t speak to us for years after dad died.
You’ve heard me say that most people do not want to talk or even think about senior living and care even though most of us are going to need it. So imagine trying to make even one of the many decisions that must be made while under the emotional stress of facing the truth about your aging or dying parent.
So what could my family have done differently? What could yours?
First – Start the conversation early. It’s very possible that when everyone has an opportunity to process next steps in the aging process, there may be more agreement than disagreement. Unfortunately, we see many families suddenly forced into decisions about care and living arrangements because of an event like a health scare. Starting the conversation early allows everyone to have their voices heard before decisions have to be made.
Second – Make a list of all the current concerns. Is it your mom’s health? Maybe the bathroom is unsafe and needs remodeling. Is your dad’s memory loss making it unsafe for him to live alone? Having a list of the problems can help keep everyone focused on finding solutions.
Now you may be saying… Valerie, this all sounds great but I know my family will never agree on any these things. Maybe one of you is literal, the other leads with their emotions and heart and still another is completely checked out. Well then you may need option 3.
Third – Consider mediation- Listen…I get it… mediation sounds like such a serious thing but bringing someone in who is completely objective can really help get everyone on the same page and help each of you be heard. There are mediators who specialize in solving these types of disputes and we’re going to talk more about elder mediation in an upcoming episode.
Unraveling the reasons family members disagree can be just as frustrating as the disagreements themselves especially when important care and safety decisions are hanging in the balance…and we haven’t even talked about how to have these conversations with your mom or dad! Whose safety, quality of life and health are certainly worth the uncomfortable, sometimes heated and emotional conversations.
If you’d like to check out our blog post in podcast form, be sure to take a listen HERE!
