What If My Loved One With Alzheimer’s Doesn’t Think They Need Help?
Over the past several weeks we’ve looked at signs that your loved one may no longer be safe at home alone. No longer safe driving, cooking, bathing, cleaning. Maybe their friends and neighbors are also worried. But every time you bring it up to your mom? Well…it doesn’t go great, or maybe it does! But she forgets the conversation even happened. In this post, we’re looking at what you can do when your mom doesn’t think she needs help but you know you need to do something.
We’ve worked with so many families in this exact situation. We get it… no one wants to think about leaving their home or inviting strangers in to help. I’m sure that most of us, when the time comes, will feel exactly the same way. I’ve met very few who were excited to leave their home. So this week we’re going to look at what one family did to make the very necessary move happen.
We’re focusing on those with memory loss. With Dementia or Alzheimer’s, sometimes the line between safe and not safe can be hard to see. Sometimes it’s a singular event or sometimes it’s a collection of smaller things that tell us something has to change. I’ll put a link below to podcast episodes where we talk about some of these signs or events.
If you’re reading this today, chances are you already know something needs to change. But what can you do when your mom or dad doesn’t think they need help?
The first and maybe most important thing is to not argue. Those with memory loss believe what they believe even when faced with evidence to the contrary. Arguing will usually lead nowhere and if it does lead somewhere… and they do agree to whatever your plan for help is … there’s a good chance that depending on their stage of memory loss that they won’t remember your conversation or that they agreed to anything.
If you’re going through this right now then you’re probably saying…yes.. Valerie…we know!
So let’s take a look at what Bryan did.
Bryan and his family knew their dad’s memory loss was progressing. So far though, nothing major had happened. Their dad had great neighbors who were looking after him and Bryan was making sure the refrigerator was stocked. Then one day, Bryan got a call from a stranger. His dad was out on one of his walks and got lost. Luckily, a stranger saw he was confused and got his address from his drivers license. They found Bryan’s phone number in his dad’s wallet. They were beside themselves. The family started taking turns staying with their dad while saying things like…their heat went out so they needed a place to stay for the night or they missed him and just wanted to visit. In the meantime, they started touring Senior Living Communities. But how in the world were they going to get their dad, who was adamant about staying in his home…to consider a move? And a move to memory care on top of it!? They expressed their concerns on the tour and everyone decided they would tell their dad a story.
Now some of you right now are saying “there is no way I would lie to my dad”. With memory loss you sometimes have to communicate with them in a way that would make sense to them. Especially when their safety is the concern. We call these creative truths.
Well the creative truth they came up with was that the city needed him to vacate the home while they investigated a water leak. They even came up with an official looking letter.
So what happened with this family?
Everyone decided that they would try things out in Assisted Living. So they brought dad to tour. It turned out that he thought he was buying a condo. So everyone and I mean everyone went with that story. Down to the community bringing out paint samples so he could pick his finishes. So he moved in but the story doesn’t end there. It wasn’t too long before he started moving his furniture around, taking it apart and leaving those parts outside his door. It was clear that Assisted Living wasn’t going to work for him so the community moved him to their memory care and to do that, they told another story. For weeks he asked when he could move back and for weeks everyone, the caregivers, the family and the nurse all told the same story. He could move back as soon as they were done remodeling his place.
First, have a plan in place.
Bryan’s family had a plan and they made sure everyone was on the same page.
If that plan is In-Home Care, know that you will most likely need to be there to introduce the caregivers at the beginning and possibly each time they arrive. Seniors are very skeptical about opening the door for strangers let alone inviting them in. So whether you’re there in person or on the phone, your help may be needed.
If the plan is to move to a Senior Living Community, have the community picked out and ready to go. We talk more about this memory care move in a previous episode from our podcast and I’ll put a link below.
Now is it possible to move your mom or dad without these creative truths? Of course, there are just as many stories where the creative truth didn’t work and families had to pivot…from what the Doctor said…to the Assisted Living Community writing a letter saying mom had to move…even when the police said she’s not safe here. Whatever the creative truth or whatever your situation… you know your loved one better than anyone… but hopefully giving yourself permission to get creative can help make your move a little more doable.
If you’d like to check out our blog post in podcast form, be sure to take a listen HERE!
Click HERE for our Doable Download, which provides the resources referenced in the post
