How Do I Transition Out Of The Caregiver Role?
Youâve been the one your mom called everyday for everything. You gave her a shower once or twice a week, you set up her medications every week and made sure she took them. You did her laundry and the list goes on and on, but now youâre tired and sheâs finally agreed to move into an assisted living community. You should feel relieved right? In this weekâs post, weâre taking a closer look at transitioning out of the caregiver role.
Last week our post defined the role of a caregiver. This is because most of the time we identify as just helping mom or dad, but not actually being a caregiver. The truth is, most of the time, we are caregivers. Whether youâre a son, daughter, friend or spouse, caregiving is hard and transitioning out that role can be even harder.
This week weâre going to look at circumstances where youâre now transitioning out of your role as caregiver, why you should consider making the transition, what to expect and tips for letting go.
99% of the time,the families we work with did not intentionally become a caregiver. Itâs usually something that starts slowly, sometimes begrudgingly and often becomes overwhelming quickly. Days turn to months and sometimes years, but no matter the extent of your caregiving, from fielding phone calls to attending Drâs visits or showering and dressing, transitioning out of that role can be difficult.
Letâs look at some reasons you may be transitioning out of your role as caregiver:
-You decide to hire in-home care for your loved one
-Your loved one moves to assisted living, memory care or an adult family home
-Someone else steps in and offers to help
-You sign up for a respite stay at a community and weâre going to talk more about respite in an upcoming episodeâŠ
-Or your loved one passes away
For this week’s post, weâre going to focus more on the other reasons I listed because when our loved one passes away thereâs so much more to that experience. I will put a link to a couple of episodes weâve already done that focus on this grieving process.
Now as this transition is made and someone else is providing care, you may still retain some of your role as caregiver. There may still be work to be done, like maybe youâre the one in charge of paying the bills, but in most cases your role will and should change. For example, hiring professional caregivers to come into the home or making a move to a community becomes much more successful when you take a step back and allow the staff to take over. That of course can require an enormous amount of trust in people you just met.
We had a client who was the caregiver for her husband but she was experiencing burnout herself. She just couldnât be his caregiver any longer. So we found a place that she liked that could provide his care, but unfortunately she just wasnât able to relinquish her role and this resulted in her interfering with his care, not allowing the staff to do their job and eventually she moved him back home. She just couldnât allow someone else to do her job.
Now Iâm not saying that if you sense somethingâs wrong with the care your loved one is or isnât receiving that you shouldnât say something. You should absolutely step in if somethingâs not right, but having others provide care is a collaboration and part of that collaboration is allowing them to care for your loved one. It gives you the opportunity to take a step back from the caregiving role and enjoy your time with your loved one.
Why should you consider allowing someone else to be responsible for your loved oneâs care? Well, if youâre reading this, I suspect you either know someone who is just plain tired or whoâs own health is suffering as the family caregiver. Perhaps that someone is you. You may have heard us talk about how often we see the caregiver get sicker than the one theyâre caring for. Weâve mentioned caregiver burnout -itâs real and it can sneak up on you.
Weâve also talked about guilt as guilt tends to be a big reason that many find it difficult to give up their role as caregiver. You know your loved one best, no one can do it better than you, or your mom made you promise that you wouldnât let someone else come into the home or that she wouldnât ever have to move.
There are so many reasons that it can be difficult to transition out of the role of caregiver. What are some tips to help ease the transition?
- Recognize your limitationsâŠwhether thatâs physical or emotional.
- Assess your quality of life and your loved oneâs to determine if a move to a Senior Living Community would be better or safer.
- Give up the guilt⊠while most seniors express their desire to stay home they also express their desire not to be a burden on their family members or friends.
- Reach out to caregiver support groups.
- Ask for help.
When we work with a family to find a senior living option, even if that family member hasnât expressed their burden of caregiving, we always ask them to recognize that this transition means theyâre giving up a role that theyâve been playing. If this is you and youâre facing this transition, recognize that you will feel something. Maybe youâll feel lonely, sad, or even bored. You may have to rediscover your own hobbies and activities that you used to enjoy. You may feel like youâre losing a part of yourself and your identity. Whatever it is, anticipate, acknowledge and prepare to hopefully make it more doable.
