How Can I better Understand Denial in Aging?

You think mom needs more help, your brother disagrees or your dad’s friends tell you they’ve noticed some changes in his memory. The way he communicates when he talks to you, he just sounds a little tired and he seems fine but is everything really fine? Or are you in denial?

If you’re a regular reader, there’s a very good chance you’ve heard the word denial come up. It’s something we hear families talk about, admit to and think a family member might be in. I thought it needed its own episode.

But before we get started, I want to say that denial is normal. It’s common. Let me say that again…being in denial is common. If you’ve been told you’re in denial, you are not alone.

So today we’re going to talk about the signs of denial, why you might be in it and the implications.

Let’s start with the signs. When we work with a family it usually starts with one family member and so often they tell us that their brother or sister doesn’t think mom needs assisted living or they think dad’s memory loss is just that he’s getting older and he’s still fine living at home alone. Or maybe dad’s drinking is fine…it’s not affecting his health.

The number one sign that you could be in denial is that someone is telling you you are. Maybe they’re not saying it directly but if they’re telling you things that they are seeing and you adamantly, desperately, and absolutely don’t agree then it could be denial. We’ve worked with families who have had multiple independent assessments of their loved one’s cognitive decline and they still found it hard to believe.

We’ve also worked with families whose mom fell and ended up in the hospital, or dad wandered out of the house and got lost…or mom was knocking on the neighbors doors at 3am. They’ve told us that they just knew it; they knew something like this would happen.

So why didn’t they address it sooner? Very often it’s… denial.

Now let me pause here to say: it is absolutely possible that if you don’t see your loved one frequently you could be missing some of the common signs of a decline. This is why we’re often very busy helping families after the holidays. They come for a visit and are shocked by what they find… no food in the refrigerator, the house a complete disaster, mail isn’t opened and piling up or their dad’s short drive to the grocery store makes them very very nervous.

So what about the families that don’t seek help? Have you seen these signs and found yourself making excuses like that’s just mom.. she’s just getting older or disagreeing with your sister’s assessment of the situation?

Why do we do that? Well, there are several reasons. You might find yourself walking a very fine line between honoring your mom or dad’s wishes to remain in their home and getting them help. You might be nervous about having that conversation with them about assisted living. We’re actually going to talk about that in an upcoming episode. How to have that conversation. It’s also very likely that you have so many other things going on in your life.. kids still at home, your job, other commitments and you just don’t have the time or energy to face your parents declining health. And let’s face it! It’s not exactly a fun subject…you’ll hear me say over and over that no one wants to talk or even think about senior living and care.

So what are the implications of denial? Well, there’s really only one. The implication of denial is the compromised health and safety of your loved one. Listen, I get it. So many families are very concerned but they’re just not sure what to do or their parents are also in denial…and how do you help someone who doesn’t want help? We actually have an episode about that I’ll put a link to in show notes. The result is sweeping everything under the rug.

So what can you do if you think you’re in this situation? Get help, listen harder to those concerns others have, research more. Ask yourself why you’re fighting so hard. There are so many resources and so many people that want to help. You cannot be expected to know all about senior living and care when it’s not anything you’ve experienced before. You’re new to this and it’s another reason it’s so hard to face. Most importantly: you are not alone. We’ve helped thousands of families and most of them at some point have gone through a stage of denial. We don’t want to think about our own aging let alone our parents.

Denial is a form of self protection. Whatever you’re protecting…time, energy, money, the house, fear of the unknown, your love for your parents, your estrangement from your parents. No matter the situation, we use denial to help us cope  and if this is you or you’re the one trying to get the rest of your family to see that your parents need help then hopefully today’s episode can help make things a little more doable.

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