One parent with Alzheimer’s and 5 kids with… no hope of agreeing about what to do…what to do with Mom, the house, the car or even the cat. I’m your host Valerie Borgman and if this sounds like your family, you won’t want to miss this week’s episode on Elder Mediation.
Last week we talked about many of the decisions families are faced with when considering senior living and care for their aging parent. For some it’s been something they’ve talked about for years, giving everyone plenty of time to come to terms with all the possible outcomes and how they feel about each one. I worked with sisters who, despite their mom’s progressing Alzheimer’s, were able to laugh through the challenges and lean on each other for support. They consulted one another and made decisions together. But not every family is this lucky. If you’re reading this week because you’re one of those families who can’t seem to get on the same page, first off, I’m so sorry. I know from personal experience that intense family conflict surrounding these intense emotional decisions is not fun. Not to mention that you’re most likely busy with your own kids, work and friends. So when simple decisions seem like huge road blocks, it might be time to consider elder mediation.
Elder mediation isn’t therapy. Therapy usually takes a look back at the why and how we all got here and then moves on to solutions. Mediation only focuses on the solutions to the problems at hand. Which means setting aside the feeling that you are always the last to know, or that your sister feels used because her and her husband are doing most of the family caregiving. Your brother’s response might be “well no-one asked her to do all that work”. Or maybe your brother has been carrying the financial responsibility and wants to make sure his inheritance is protected so he essentially gets paid back. Half the family could be in complete denial about how much care your mom needs while you’re screaming on the inside knowing full well that if they were the ones actually providing the care then they wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss your concerns. You may even be the one to communicate directly while your sister hates conflict and avoids it all cost.
So what does elder mediation look like?
- It’s voluntary.
- It is led by a professional trained in Elder Mediation.
- It helps everyone feel safe and heard.
- Only works if everyone sets aside their differences
- It starts as a group or one-on-one to determine individual goals prior to meeting as a group.
- It focuses solely on problem solving.
- Your loved one may or may not participate. For example, your mom’s level of Alzheimer’s may prevent her from being able to understand or communicate effectively. In most cases though your loved one will participate and the mediator will ensure that their rights are being protected throughout the process.
- Mediators don’t advise families they simply make sure everyone is heard and continue to focus everyone on problem solving.
- They provide resources.
- Mediation is expected to be kept confidential by all participants unless everyone agrees otherwise.
So in our previous example where one sibling is providing all the care and the ones who aren’t are in denial about how much care mom needs, mediation can help those other siblings see the reality of the situation. It also helps uncover what everyone really wants. Maybe the sibling providing the care just wants recognition for the job they’re doing or even compensation in some way but they haven’t been able to express this. An elder mediator will ask the right questions… even the questions you’ve maybe been afraid to ask because history tells you the response you’ll get. Family dynamics rarely go away but an elder mediator’s ability to focus everyone on problem solving can help everyone move past those dynamics.
This sounds great, right? But when does mediation NOT work?
- When one person refuses to engage in the process and they won’t make their concerns known.
- When there are highly emotional participants who are unable to focus on problem solving.
- When mental health issues that prevent one’s ability to problem solve.
- When one participant has extreme control over one or all other participants making it impossible to the others to feel safe in expressing their concerns.
When mediation works though, it can be an amazing tool. You may have spent a year arguing with your siblings about if dad should move, where dad should move, if he should sell his house and how that money should be used. But through mediation you’re faced with things that maybe you heard before but weren’t able to process. Your sister may have told you that mom keeps calling her at all hours of the day but you were in the middle of a work project and didn’t know what to say or how to help. Your sibling never told you about mom’s missing money and jewelry because they didn’t think you’d believe that it was their memory loss and not someone stealing. Maybe your dad fell and told your sister not to tell you…or maybe your dad hasn’t been eating and he’s only living in the living room because he can’t make it up the stairs to his bedroom any longer.
And now, in mediation you’re hearing everything all together. Maybe you didn’t even realize that you were feeling so overwhelmed by the thought of getting the house ready for market, looking for a new place and actually moving that you were resisting the idea. Whether that’s you or your sibling, elder mediation can help everyone work through their own reasons for not moving forward to make those tough decisions, for your loved one’s safety and well being.
If you’ve found yourself and your siblings fighting in front of the accountant, lawyer, realtor, on a senior living community tour or even in front of your parents, then take a moment and consider what an objective mediator could do to not only help your family make these important decisions but also help your own emotional and physical health. And hopefully make such a tough situation, more doable.
Elder mediation is a growing and increasingly common avenue for resolving elder disputes outside of the courtroom and is endorsed by AARP, the American Bar Association (ABA), Family Caregiver Alliance (the nation’s largest nonprofit devoted to caregiving), and in the seminal book, How to Care for Aging Parents (Morris, 1996). In cases involving mild to moderate conflict, mediation can be successful in getting parties to set aside their differences and focus on solutions for the elder (ABA, 2018; Bertschler & Cocklin, 2004).
Seeking a referral is best, e.g. a local chapter of Family Caregiver Alliance, hospital personnel, or ALCPs. Some elder mediators are listed through professional associations including:
Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR), Elder Section
Academy of Professional Family Mediator
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