What is Showering Like in Senior Living?

You recently discovered that your mom wasn’t showering. Now we don’t have to talk about how you discovered this, but let’s just say you know. It’s just one of the many reasons that you’ll feel better if she moves to Assisted Living. But your mom is asking you how the whole showering thing is going to work. She’s a little nervous. Today we’re talking about showering and Senior Living.

I recently worked with a family whose dad was touring Assisted Living Communities and during the tour he found himself alone with the tour guide. She later shared with me that he had some real concerns about how the whole showering thing was going to work. Now this brought up a couple of thoughts for me. My first thought was “wow he didn’t feel comfortable asking his kids this question or asking the question in front of everyone on the tour and I’m really glad that he found himself in that position of being alone with her so that he could ask the question.” The other thought was how many other times are seniors that we’re helping like your mom or your dad are having these same thoughts and not asking. The third thought is that we need to have an episode just about showering!

Everything we’re going to talk about today can apply to Assisted Living Communities, Adult Family Homes, Memory Care and In-Home Care.

Let’s start with one of the biggest assumptions about showering. Care staff are NOT assigned based on gender. It is absolutely possible that your mom could have a male caregiver helping her shower. This actually came up in one of our family talk episodes and I’ll put a link to it in notes below. The staff and family were all trying to figure out why her mom, who had Alzheimer’s Disease, was refusing to shower. There can be several reasons why those with memory loss refuse showers but they finally figured out that in her case it was because the caregiver was male. It never even occurred to the daughter that this could be a possibility! That a male would be helping her mother shower.

If you can…. Have the conversation. Ask your mom or dad if they have a preference. Then communicate their preference to the staff. Gender may or may not be an issue for your loved one, but it’s definitely important to know how it works…Just in case.

So let’s get back to the gentleman who asked about showers on the tour. He was wondering how it actually worked…was someone going to be in the shower with him? What does it actually look like?

So let’s talk about the different levels of shower assistance:

-Reminders

-Stand by assist

-Partial assist

-Full assist

Reminders are just that…maybe there’s just enough memory loss that they forget to shower and just need someone to remind them.

Stand by assist is usually for those who may fear falling, or they can physically do the job but need someone to walk them through the process. Reminding them what the steps are,  the caregiver usually stands just outside the door. Stand by assist can also mean helping someone in and out of the shower and then standing just outside the shower curtain.

Partial Assist – In this situation the caregivers may be hands on for only part of the job…like washing hair or other hard to reach places.

Full Assist – Just like it sounds when, for either physical or cognitive reasons, the caregiver performs the entire task of showering.

In any caregiving situation, the caregivers should be approaching care in a way that allows your mom or dad to be as independent as possible, for as long as possible.

On a side note, I want to talk about Adult Family Homes and Memory Care.  In these environments there are very often shower rooms where all residents or most of them will shower. In these situations your loved one may be prepped in their own room with a shower chair and a shower wrap as a cover up. Then wheeled to the shower room which usually is a large fully accessible room with a bathroom too. Even if your loved one has their own bathroom they may be taken to the larger shower rooms for their shower.

What about how often showers are given? Well this is of course personal preference but we find that as seniors age, they take fewer showers per week mainly due to skin issues. Showering too much can cause their thinning skin to become dry and prone to cracking. Showers are usually once or twice a week with additional care as needed and in Adult Family Homes they even offer daily. Let’s call it freshening up!

So let’s talk about modesty. There are many reasons that your mom or dad might be modest about showering. It’s a very vulnerable position to be in! There are actually products that completely cover someone while in the shower, allowing access but modesty. I’ll put a link to those below.

Another situation that has come up in the past is a bit more serious and I wish we didn’t have to talk about it but I think it’s really important to think about  and that’s past sexual abuse. I’m talking about survivors here. There are many sexual assault survivors among us, including seniors. We see this come up as one of the reasons those with memory loss refuse assistance not just with showering but even dressing. Many times, these situations were never talked about and only come out as a fear of showering or refusing to shower. So if you know that your mom has always been very modest, whatever the reason might be, make sure the staff is aware.

I think sometimes seniors feel like they don’t have a choice and that modesty goes out the window when we get older. I’m not sure it has to or even should. I’ve heard seniors say things like “well it doesn’t matter now! I’m old!” Caregivers sometimes think that those with memory loss don’t know the difference, but just because we need help doesn’t mean we have to give up our right to modesty and dignity. Just because someone has memory loss doesn’t mean they don’t still feel vulnerable. So if your mom or dad say things like this…ask them! Do they really mean it? They’re not feeling vulnerable? Or are they saying these things because they don’t think they have a choice. Because they do! Asking for a particular gender of caregiver, asking for the bathroom to be a certain temperature or getting a modest towel to cover up are all ways to help make the showering experience more personal, more respectful and even more enjoyable.

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