It all started at Thanksgiving Dinner. Now you’re used to mom repeating herself a few times and always chalked it up to old age, but this time was different. She started doing the strangest things… It all started with mashed potatoes. What should you do when something’s wrong with mom?
This week we’re going to take a look at some real life examples. We will look at stories families have shared with us and things we’ve experienced. Things that made everyone go … whoa.. hang on a minute… this is different…Something’s really wrong.
In this episode we’re focusing on the things that should give you pause and reflect on what your next steps should be. But before we get to those examples, let’s talk about why this is such a wake up call. I’m sure you’ve heard me say that no one wants to think about Senior living and care. I’ve never met anyone who actually wanted to face the fact that their mom or dad or their grandparents were aging to the point of being unable to care for themselves. So we end up explaining away these things that just don’t seem right by saying things like “oh that’s just grandpa”! Or your mom or dad may be really good at covering up their memory loss. We all just laugh it off as old timers.
Until that day. The day you’re over for Thanksgiving dinner and stop your mom from putting Cool Whip in the mashed potatoes. You say “whoa”! She says “What? I’ve always made them this way!”. And that’s the moment you know you can’t ignore this any longer.
Now listen, I recently made chili and I had this can of artichoke hearts and thought hey that could be good… sure enough I googled it and there are several chili recipes with artichoke hearts but I can tell you that 99% of my friends thought I was crazy. The point is that you can usually tell when something is actually off.
For example, finding a burnt pan on the kitchen counter and realizing that means it was left on the stove for a long time with nothing in it and means your mom forgot she was cooking. Or you watch your mom take her coffee to the refrigerator to get some milk and then watch as she pours ranch dressing into her coffee.You go to use the restroom and can’t use it without cleaning the toilet first. I’m sure you can guess why on this one.
Or, you sit down on the couch and are overcome by the smell of…I’ll let you use your imagination on that one too.You notice that everything upstairs seems to be untouched for a long time and then you realize dad’s been sleeping in the recliner.You open the refrigerator and there’s literally nothing there. The freezer has one frozen meal and the pantry has a half a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter and that’s it.The list goes on and on.
Now most of the time some form of these things have been going on for years. As we age things get harder for us to do and as memory loss progresses it gets harder to hide. But what now? You’ve determined something’s really wrong so what should you do about it?
Here’s a good place to start:
-Make a list of all of the things you’re noticing along with the date. This list can help you determine if it’s a one time thing or getting worse.Next to each item describe your concern. Then add another column for possible solutions.
So for example the bathroom is dirty which means chances are your mom is not able to clean herself properly. That’s a problem because she could end up with an infection. A solution might be making sure she has grab bars available as well as wipes to help her reach.
-Rank the list. What’s the most concerning or the most unsafe.
This list is important for several reasons. It can help you talk to your siblings about the issues to get their input. Be sure and check out our previous blog posts on family disagreements and mediation. I’ll put a link below too.
It can help you determine how much help might be needed and if it’s time to consider in-home care or a move to assisted living or memory care. It’ll help you organize your thoughts to have the dreaded conversation with your parents. We’re going to focus on how to have that conversation in an upcoming episode.
This is also a good time to start doing some research. There are many great companies that can help walk you through this process so you’re not at the mercy of Google! My company, Clear Path, is one of them and we can even help you find an agent in your area.
Now I want to pause here because there are some things that require immediate attention. If you find a bunch of your mom’s medications on the floor and can’t tell if she’s been taking them, or there are missing medications that you don’t find and you’re worried she took too many or if you find open wounds that don’t smell or look right or there’s a sudden change in your loved one’s behavior… get help immediately.
No one finds it easy to acknowledge that their once active, strong, social parent who took care of them is finding it hard to care for themselves. It not only makes us face change but it also makes us face our own future. But the sooner you’re able to see the signs the sooner you can make a plan…that will hopefully make that change more doable.
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