What’s Love Got To Do With It? Working In Senior Living
I started my career in Senior Living in an Independent Living Community in Springfield,Illinois. Then another community moved me to Seattle where I had always wanted to live and I worked for a few different companies over the years. In 2015 I started my company, Clear Path Senior Living Solutions helping families find the right Assisted Living and Memory Care. In my career in Senior Living, I’ve often heard families say that moving their mom or dad into Assisted Living or Memory Care kinda felt like dropping their kids off at daycare that first time. Why would it feel that way?
What’s love got to do with it? I say everything.
The first memory of dropping my son off at daycare has been burned into my brain. He cried/I cried…it was terrible! I think that one of the reasons moving your parents into a Senior Living Community feels like this Is because most of the time this decision comes after you’ve taken on the role of caregiver and you know first hand how vulnerable your mom or dad has become.
Interestingly, the fear of not getting good care is one of the top reasons families are a little unsure about Adult Family homes. Now I know not every state has these but many states do and families don’t feel there’s as much oversight in a small Adult Family Home as there is in a big Assisted Living Community…But really.. Bad things can happen anywhere.
A good friend of mine texted me and I find that when the text is really long it’s usually not a good sign. Sure enough that was the case.. she was really upset. A sibling had moved their mom into an Assisted Living where the Assisted Living had promised to make sure their mom was introduced around, invited to activities, checked in on and overall was made to feel welcome and comfortable when she moved in. Unfortunately that’s not what happened and my friend had to endure several phone calls over those first few days of her mom crying – she hadn’t left her apartment in 3 days. And what made it even worse is that her mom had been really excited to move in.
When I interview families and guests on my podcast, I always ask one final question and that’s what’s your number one doable tip for families… Well IN Episode 31, my guest, Author Rosie Mankes, shared her doable tip. You can find it at 29 minutes into the show and I’ll share it here. She said when touring places…if it doesn’t feel right in your gut from the minute you’re there? It’s not. Earlier in the episode she shared how she would give second chances and it never got better – and on one tour she recalls getting really upset with the staff who had ignored a resident’s request for help using the restroom.
I always tell the families I work with that I’ve worked in a few communities but I don’t live in any of these communities or homes and that they have to go with their gut. Because you know your mom or dad better than anyone.
Senior Living and care is a business…Communities are businesses and Adult Family Homes are small businesses. I’m pretty sure some would say that love doesn’t have a place in business…but I disagree.
One of my clients who was an older gentleman was looking for a new care setting for his wife who was dying of cancer. They had lived together in what’s usually called a cottage on a Senior Living community campus.. basically a house but in that protected environment. But that community didn’t have the ability to care for his wife in her final months. So he hired me to help him find a good place. He actually wanted an Adult Family Home. So I did my research and I took him to some really great places. Some were new homes and all of them were beautiful…and with great credentials! But he said no to every single one. He said, Valerie , these just don’t feel like home to me. He said I want someone who’s going to care for my wife the way I do…so that when I can’t be with her I don’t have to worry. The next house I took him too wasn’t quite as fancy as the other homes but you could just feel the love. The hugs, the care, the questions, the empathy… We both knew THIS was the place. His wife spent her final months and moments feeling loved and I was so honored when he invited me to her celebration of life. And I was even happier when I walked in the door and saw that he had also invited the owner of that home.
As a family, when you’re looking for the right Senior Living Community or Adult Family Home it should feel like family. You should be able to feel that the staff really care about your mom or dad. You should feel the love.
There’s a memory care community where the executive director was telling me how she makes her rounds every day. She moves through the community saying hello to each resident and one morning she saw that one of her gentlemen who she knew from talking with his family was always clean shaven and would’ve never started his day without that shave. But on this particular morning he was scruffy. So she grabbed a caregiver who explained that that morning he had refused to shave. The executive director said oh, ok I understand. Let’s try a different staff member after breakfast. She didn’t stop – she got creative because she loves her residents.
Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs whether you’re a family caregiver or caregiving is your profession. There are bad days, wrong decisions, lack of sleep, staff who call in sick, bills that have to be paid, days when residents have bad days, residents who fight and scream and call names and the list goes on.
If you’re a caregiver in a Senior Living Community or Adult Family Home…I hope you became a caregiver because you care about others. And even on those hard days I hope you know how much families appreciate you and are relying on you to smile, hug, joke around, check on and generally just help their mom or dad have the best days possible. Listen… I’m aware that sometimes families can take their grief out on caregivers but of course that’s not the resident’s fault.
Some families, especially those whose loved one’s have dementia actually worry that no one will be able to take care of their mom or dad because they’re resisting care; they are the one’s hitting and kicking and generally not being very easy to love. But there are so many amazing caregivers who brush these things off…they get creative and enjoy the challenge and then the reward when the creative ideas work.
I love my job. I love thanking caregivers, hearing how happy families are and I really love all the hugs.
I’ve been working with a family for about two years. I’ve helped this same family with 3 different family members during this time. We were on our 3rd tour of round two of touring and as we said our goodbyes and their beautiful mom hugged me goodbye with that kiss on the cheek she always gives me I said… love you! And I immediately checked myself and thought…I shouldn’t have said that…that’s not professional at all… and she said love you too and her daughter just had the biggest smile on her face. And listen,I don’t tell all my clients… love you… But maybe just maybe… Love is exactly what working in Senior Living should be about.
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